I was shaking as I stood there. By all accounts I was a shiny second hand penny, in my thrift store dress and shoes- but new nylons! The air was cold and sharp, I had forgotten my jacket at the hotel, so my skin was crawling with gooseflesh. I felt small and alone.
It was unsettling.
But worse than the cold was the twisting in the pit of my stomach.
In truth I hadn’t thought of you in the nearly three months since our "conversation." In retrospect the age of online communication has created a secondary problem: people behave outwardly and with bravado/cruelty that they would never demonstrate in person because there is the safety and anonymity of that glowing LCD screen. our interaction became the catalyst for something completely unexpected, if that 20/20 retrospect has anything to do with it.
However in the chill of my my first Nebraska morning, your words came back to dampen the cold twisting chain my gut. I stepped into Sanford hall and stood lost for a few minutes replaying the words, blow by blow.. I wanted to run– a sick child, emergencies pop up, There were a million excuses I could make. What if you were right? You told me that my bitch wasn’t show quality and worse yet that I wasn’t show worthy. I was unteachable. The specimen that best demostrated the "reason" that existing handlers didn’t want to bring new blood into the sport. In short you told me I was unwanted, unwelcome and unneeded, and that my dog was only slightly better.
Looking around Sanford I was intimidated without throwing your words onto the crushing weight of my anxiety– everyone seemed so polished in free grooming and ready to conquer the day… and here I felt like a dusty tumbleweed that had just rolled in. Lector would have called me a rube to his starling with my cheap shoes and purse.
That all changed the moment Heidi said hello to me ( the first of many bright and welcoming faces), our first in person meeting after talking nearly daily on Facebook for weeks. I looked around again and made a decision. If we have one life to live and be happy then it is these moments that define whether we choose to be fruitful in that pursuit or surrender control to the perceived whims of others.
I walked out of Sanford hall in my $3 shoes and $5 dress and jumped in feet first. And you know what Brenda? I landed among a village of handlers who remembered what it was like to be new, scared and lost. I felt like I had fallen in with a tribe of amazons, women who protected and lifted each other, not cut one another down. My mentor came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. She told me to relax and have fun. We did great! We were the best puppy in class and reserve as well subsequently. We would go on to do that again Sunday, in addition to a healthy second on Saturday. We were wanted, appreciated and educated among several generations of talented handlers. I could think of no better place to be. I even was given the chance to run another handlers dog! A very sweet long hair that just wanted nothing more than to play and be pretty!
I thought I would be chomping at the bit to tell you you were wrong. You had said I would never win anything. I thought this would be my moment....
....Instead I feel pity for you because as I get older I absolutely understand that hurt people hurt other people. You spread your dreams under someone's feet and they did to you what you did to me. I understand now that your attack on me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.
I owe you thanks I think.
Thank you for pushing me to believe even harder that there are good people in the Dog showing world. I was surrounded by them and so humbled by it.
Thank you for breaking me down. I have had the honor of mentoring with an amazing handler who didn’t care about the blunt edges and broken pieces. She has been real, honest and firm with me, the sponsor for growing a titanium spine and becoming the bigger bitch. She gave me a chance, and that truly is all I’ve ever wanted.
Thank you for being my inspiration to be a world class sportsman. I cheer everyone forward whether their success eclipses mine or not.
And most of all thank you for showing me that the women of our sport are truly better: they are kind, generous and a true village that came around me this whole weekend. I was so blessed to be in the company of wise, funny, honest and helpful ladies. I felt like I came home.
So there it is Brenda.
You started with me in the worst of times and I think truly I have left your harsh words behind in the best of times. I forgive you and I will always hope for the best for you (Mark 11:25). Every step forward from here is another step in the right direction. I think I’m going to keep going and see where these wheels take me.
Toodles!
Commentaires